Dear B.,

First of all a big hug to you (((((((( B. ))))))))).

I know this is the hardest thing in the world to do, but you have GOT to
dissassociate yourself emotionally from the situation and start to look at
this in a more clinical way, to save your own sanity.

This is a person who no longer is anything like themself.   This is a person
with a damaged brain who sees the world through a completely twisted
perception.

To her you aren't her beloved daughter who is helping her through a horrible
(and terminal) illness.   You are instead some stranger whom she blames
(along with the rest of the whole world) for her miseries, which she doesn't
understand why she has them!.......She thinks that if she could just get in
control of her life again that she would be happy, content, organized and
well again.    There is nothing in the world you could say that would
separate her from that illusion, so don't even try.

I know it is very hard to dissassociate the vicious things she says and does
from the person of your mother, but believe me it can be a lifesaver for
you.   Taking it personally is just going to break you down and make you
miserable.

In my case the dissassociation of the person of the past from the person of
the present turned out to be the best thing I ever did.

You see, I didn't have the worlds best relationship with my mother in law
over the years.   She was a dragon whom I wanted to avoid at all costs, and
out of duty alone, I went with my husband to her home several times a year
to keep the peace.   Each and every contact with her was precipitated by
dread for days before, and I was inevitably furious for days afterwards due
to the nasty things she would say to me.

There was no way I was going to take care of HER when she was old and
sick!!!!   Well, when it became evident that she really was ill and we had
to take her repeatedly for this and that medical test or dental visit or
hearing aid visit, and it looked like there was no other option but direct
committment to a nursing home, we took her here temporarily to make our
arrangements in a more hospitable location (I believe I mentioned the
nursing homes in the city, and our previous bad experiences with Ida's
sister).

Somehow taking her here and seeing her so helpless and so confused and so
filthy and disheveled just made me feel so sorry for her.   I have tried to
remember what exactly it was, but I think it was the bath (first bath she
must have taken in over a year) that did it.   Seeing her clean and helping
her dress, realizing she really was very, very sick, my heart changed
towards her and I am so glad it did.

During that early time, we got her enrolled in daycare, got a local sitter,
and got involved in our local alzheimer support group.    She had no idea
what was going on or how sick she was, and still doesn't to this day.

Once I began to see that she was no longer the Ida of the past, I got to
know the Ida of the present, and although there were occasional flashes of
the old Ida, I made a completely new relationship with her.   Somewhere
along the line she realized I was caring for her momentarily, and we even
hugged and told each other we loved each other.   I became her primary
caregiver, and it healed our relationship completely.  That moment of
realization for her didn't last, it was forgotten a minute later, but it was
enough for me because I had a functioning brain.

Don't think for a minute there weren't times when I hated the sight of her,
and that everything was just fine.  Of course, it wasn't.   The difference
was that I found a way to realize that she was NOT the same woman anymore,
and that nothing she did or said was personal.

So B.., see if you can find a way to do the same thing.   Realize that the
anger is anger at her confusion and dependence and lack of ability to reason
anymore, not at you personally.   Her brain is dying a few neurons at a
time, while her body is apparently the same to you.   But the person you see
as your mother is not any longer your mother as you knew her.

You could repeat yourself till you are blue in the face, and it STILL
wouldn't register.   SHE SIMPLY CANNOT remember the answer you gave her
three seconds ago.    Disliking her will not help her remember.    She
doesn't do it to tick you off, she really and truly cannot remember that you
just told her something from one minute to the next.    If you think for a
second that there is something personal behind it, you will drive yourself
crazy.

Try for a minute thinking that this is a job and the woman you are caring
for is a stranger.   Would you be as emotionally affected if it was a
complete stranger?   probably not.

So try any little mental trick you can to dissassociate yourself from the
person you see before you as the person you knew as your mother when she
gets like that.

I think the hardest part of caring for a person with alzheimers is to do
that....to realize that nothing they do is really personal, even though they
may be mean and nasty, their nastiness is their anger at the illness, not
because the real person, your mother, ever hated you in real life.

If it gets to be too much, and dealing with the two of them might, I hope
you have some sort of a contingency plan in place.... something to bail you
out.   Meanwhile you are in my prayers and I hope with all my heart that
your sister GETS what is going on and how incredibly hard it is for you
right now.

Hugs again.....