(((Boydette)))
You are doing the best you can right now so don't beat yourself up! I
think it's important that you are recognizing that you need to "gather
your strength" and in doing that you will be able to do more as time
goes on...
My situation is the opposite in that I am the primary caregiver, and I
do get frustrated with my sister and sil! But in all fairness, I have
to understand that they are doing the best they can for right now. And
there have been some mini-events where they have helped when it was
really needed.
Sometimes I want to run away and join the circus <g>...
donnah

Dear Boydette,

I think you are right for allowing your sis to deal with the situation
firsthand.  She needs to see how hard it can be for you.    The part about
the landlord wanting them out may be a blessing in disguise.  They seem like
they really shouldn't be on their own anymore, but that will be your
family's decision on how to deal with it.   Meanwhile, keep your chin up and
do what you know is the right thing...... mostly what is the right thing for
you.   If you don't take care of yourself you won't be able to take care of
anyone else.

(((((( big hugs )))))

Boydette,

I've been caring (and had living with me) for Mom for nine years, she's
87.  My older sister lives 1000 miles away and hasn't been to visit in
eight years.   At that time, Mom had forgotten who she was and would
tell me in her whisper, that you could hear in the next room :). that
she wanted 'that woman' to leave.  My sister couldn't handle it and has
used the excuse ever since that there's no sense visiting because Mom
doesn't know her anyway.  I haven't pushed it because she's always been
a nervous person who doesn't deal well with stress.  We all have our
limitations and I appreciate that she tries in other ways to be
supportive, particularly by being a wonderful aunt to my daughter over
the years (my husband died when she was very young) by sending her
meaningful gifts or money to spend on special needs.  She realized
having the strain of Grandma living in the same house and taking so much
of my energy was difficult for her too.  

Yes, there's times I feel like chewing out my sister's butt because of
fatigue or after a rough patch with Mom but I count to ten....or a
hundred, and count my blessings that she could be like our brother who
hasn't seen any of us in eighteen years and could care less about his
family.  He's never married, or had kids, and is manic-depressive.  

Do what you can in other ways to help with your mother by maybe
preparing frozen meals, having a cleaning lady go in once in awhile, and
be completely honest with your sister about how you just can't handle
the emotions connected to your mom and how much you appreciate that she
can.  My sister told me some time ago how she just can't handle it and I
really appreciated her honesty.  

Good luck and don't beat yourself up over this.  We all have our
strengths and weaknesses and sometimes just have to be open about what
we can and can't handle so those close to us gain understanding rather
than resentment.

SQ

What do you mean 'when the chips are down'? What actual circumstance? Sounds
to me, if the landlord wants her out and your sister is getting to the end
of her tether, maybe the chips are down?.

Perhaps its time to look for a home for your mother, since it will only get
worse. Is looking for a home something your sister and you can do together?
Is your sister looking after our mother alone?

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Boydette)))))))))))))))))))))))))
Gwen

My two brother were never around much while my mother was at home and only
visited her twice while she was in the NH for 1-1/2 years.  It never bothered
me.  I understood.  Some people can't deal with this as others can.  It didn't
make my dad happy much but, oh well!

I just think she has to accept that not everyone is going to deal with this in
a way she would hope.  Sometimes I wanted to find a tree and climb up it with a
roll of paper towels and just cry the day away.

I never understood half the stuff mom would say so I would just, mm hmm, yeah,
whatever, and it seamed to work.

              __O
mo who _-\<,_  for the health of it!
          (_)/   (_)

mom...I talk to her on the phone several times a day and that is all I can
do...her insane ramblings make me so nervous and upset...I have been advised
not to correct her but she says the most bizarre stuff and when I dont say
anything she gets mad....I think I am just trying to gather my strength for the
time it is really gonna be needed....my sister has all the power legally and
she is 12 years younger than me.....soooo I have let her take the brunt of it
for now....when the chips are down I will be there and take care of the
situation but for now I am just cruising...can any of you relate?  Moms
landlord left me a message today and I know he is wanting her out cause she is
knocking on the neighbors doors to ask them where her apt is and where my dad
is...stuff like that....I just want to put my head in the sand and hope it all
goes away. <<

Your mom sounds a little bit like my client; for weeks during the
summer, she would come knocking on neighbors' doors, asking them what
she was supposed to be doing.

I remember when she first moved into our building last year; she came
into my house, asking me what she was supposed to do about the cat
litter box. (She had a cat when she moved in here, but that didn't last
very long).

After the Namenda got started, most of that behavior sort of leveled
off. She now spends, very happily, too, oddly enough, a lot of time
inside, watching television and, I caught her at this yesterday: playing
dressup. I kid you not. When I walked in to make sure she was ready for
dinner, she was standing there with her hair all done up in clips and
wearing the most clashing outfit I'd yet seen her in. She swirled around
to look at me; was almost glaring, it was so strange. Then recognition
dawned and I said, "Honey, are you OK?" She said, "I am NOW." Then she
laughed. *phew* I was pretty nervous for a second; thought she might
lash out at me. When I asked her what she was doing, she said, "Getting
ready to go OUT!" Oh, OK. (No one was coming to get her, so I just
agreed, and we moved on to the next thing).

I would have to say that perhaps your mom needs someone all day and all
night. We are getting this in place for my client; there will be a young
couple renting out one room of the new apartment - possibly as early as
next week - and then *I* will spell *them* during the day twice a week,
and the other caregiver will do the other three days of the week, with
the couple dealing with it on weekends. They will schedule her friends,
I guess (I HOPE), but I explained to the woman doing the interview today
that I would be more than happy to show them the ropes.

Here's to hoping this all works out!

And for your situation, I sincerely hope there's night time as well as
daytime, care.

Blessings,

Feather

I can understand your position and I agree that you can only do what
you can do.  It does sound as if your mother is not capable of living
alone and you can't put your head in the sand about that because the
outcome could be very bad.  Perhaps you could help that situation by
investigating some alternatives for her (either an assisted living
facility or a sitter).  Just because she needs care doesn't mean that
you have to be the one giving it to her - but someone needs to
facilitate that.
A.D.