Thanks Gwen I hear ya and normally I do try to do that but when she
keeps asking questions and pressing me for answers I dont know what to
do but tell the truth.

I think the hardest part is because we dont actually have a
diagnosis...I called my sister last night and left her a message that we
need to do something and fast. But as usual she doesnt call me back.

Thanks for the practical suggestioins...its easy with my dad...when he
says he was at the bar or asks me when I am visiting if I want a beer I
just play along.  The staff have been giving him orange juice and
telling him its a screwdriver.  LOL.....it appeases him so thats all
that counts....talk about not trying to correct them when he says stuff
like that or that he went to work etc. my mom sits there and argues with
him.  That is why I said in that one thread I cant stand the insanity. I
cant believe this is happening to BOTH of them at the same time.
Sitting there listening to the two of them together is like watching a
bad train wreck.  Oh and the worst thing is when they are both trying to
get me to take a side.....CALGON take me away!!! LOL

Everything she said...

My mom, 77, lives at home with my dad, 84, the primary caregiver for her. She
managed to mask the early stages of AD, but it is clearly mid stage now as her
sense of reality is very skewed. She's minimally functioning, too. She used to
be a master gardener, she now plants plastic flowers and constantly digs up
plants and doesn't put them back in the ground. She used to be an avid reader,
but I don't think she can read more than a few words at a clip now and they
really don't make sense to her. The people on the TV are talking directly to her
and the TV is 2-way. Her father, dead for over 50 years is still alive, but has
abandoned her and she doesn't know why. Her mother, dead only a few years, is
dead in her reality, but the house she lives in was her parents' house in her
reality and most of the contents are theirs. I reality, the house was purchased
by her and my dad about 50 years ago and was their first and only house for all
these years. In her reality, the outdoor spaces and indoor spaces merge or blur.
In her reality, there are people living in the basement, in imaginary spaces in
the closets, and always people wandering through the house. In her reality, the
neighbor hates her, wants them to leave the house so that she can have it, and
is always in the house stealing things, messing things up, etc. My father has a
very difficult time accepting her reality and doing what Gwen says above.
Unfortunately, this makes things worse for him because it upsets her and she
then wants to leave and "go home" or whatever. The county has a program whereby
the Sheriff puts a transmitter bracelet on her and maintains it. She thinks it
is a medical alert bracelet that contains her medical information. Besides her
mind, she is wonderfully healthy. She's had a the bracelet about a month and we
had to have it activated this past Saturday as my father, once again, tried to
set her straight and she got upset because he "doesn't believe her," "is mean to
her," and "makes fun of her." None of those are true, but she thinks they are.
When my dad allows her to exist in her reality, she is generally fine and happy.
I am regularly finding myself reminding him that he needs to keep that up as she
will only get worse and I remind him that she has no problems with me as I
"believe" her and, in effect, lie to her regularly. She is comforted, he doesn't
have to stress as much and life goes on. We're moving to the Adult day care
stage soon and I suspect a home is not too far behind that, unfortunately. I
grieve for the loss of the mother I knew, but I do my best to enjoy what memory
she does have left in my regular contact with her. I know that my father has it
much harder than I in that he lives with her and I only speak to them every day
or so and see them a few times weekly at most, but I know that what Gwen says is
the truth. Don't correct her and don't try to dissuade her from her reality -
for your peace and hers.
-steve

<snip>

From experience with the Dowager, I can testify that a half-truth works
as well as an outright lie - and leaves me, personally, feeling
"cleaner."  Also, repetition appears to be the key.  The Dowager wants
dearly to return to her condominium, whence I removed her to hospital
when I walked in one morning to find her flat on her back on the floor
of her study with no idea how she got there.  She went thence to a rehap
facility, which was "a stop on the way home;" and now she's at an ALF
which is "a hotel sort of place, where there's always someone around if
you need help."

I've even persuaded her, by reminding her over over and over again
whenever the subject comes up, that the two leaky heart valves ("that
little problem with your heart") they found when they tested to try to
discover why she fell (they could, indeed, have contributed to the fall,
especially since no other potential cause was discovered by the battery
of tests to which she was subjected) are the reason that my sister and I
want her to stay for a while - of unspecified duration - at "the hotel."

The "hotel" story seems to be working, at least for the nonce.  And she
will agree when I remind her how much better it is to be able to get on
her walker and move around, wherever and whenever she wants, than to be
confined to bed in a hospital.  And, naturally, that she's staying at
the hotel only until she's well enough to return to her condo.

All of these have the advantage of being perfectly true:  they just
aren't the whole truth.  And I feel better about them than I would about
outright lies.

<snip>

Blessed be,
Baird

You just made a very important point, but it may not be clear enough.

That "two minutes of peace" is not just for you but for also for THEM!
"Correcting" someone with AD doesn't just upset you but also THEM.

We can't do anything to undo the damage to their brains, but we
CAN go along with it (as far as we can) and try to help them to be
as happy as possible inside that strange and scary world inside
their heads where they are forced to live.
We can NOT make their world coincide with ours, but we can try to live
with their imaginary world to the extent needed to help them - as with
chasing those railroad builders away!

As parents, we sometimes pretended to believe in our kid's imaginary
friends - though we both knew it was just a game.
But those imaginary people seem REAL to people with AD - if we ignore
them or deny they exist, it can *add* to their pain and confusion...
"Loving deception" is the response of the truly caring in these cases.