Hi Lee,

My mother in law, is now in a nursing home for several months, but I
remember VERY well being in the state of mind you mention.

I sent my mother in law to daycare 5 days a week.   It was a godsend to her
and to us.   She got to enjoy the events and activities there, (though she
never stopped complaining about having to go).   But WE needed it in order
to keep our sanity.   I am convinced that daycare was a very good thing for
her, because at home I couldn't possibly have found enough tasks and
amusements to equal what they offered, not to mention the time it would have
taken.   She would watch TV almost all the time at home, daycare was
certainly better than that.

I had a sitter, a kind neighbor, who would come over and watch her if we
needed to go out on a weekend or of an evening.   She was absolutely
wonderful with her.   She would bring her homemade cookies or her homemade
apple strudel, even to the point of making those goodies with Splenda when
Ida was later on diagnosed with some diabetic issues.   She was absolutely a
godsend and she was so kind and patient with Ida too.

At one time I looked into getting some other sitters because occasionally
that lady was busy or unable to watch Ida, but somehow it just never
materialized, nor was our need all that great.  We just went a lot of places
alone during that time, leaving one of us to stay home with Ida if our one
sitter wasn't available.

But the pressure of cleaning up pee all the time, the constant stream of
endless questions that have been answered a thousand times, it all just
weighs on you ultimately.   Since it was two of us dealing with these
issues, it was probably less difficult, since we "spelled" one another, but
for someone doing the job alone it has to be mind bending.

Some of us are made for it and some of us are not.   Patience isn't one of
my best virtues either, so it was very hard at times.   I would go into my
room and close the door and read if I had to get away, or go the the
computer and hang out there.   My husband would be stuck dealing with her
then.

But it was HIS mom, and I think that made it a little easier for him, though
sometimes HE was snippier than I was!  So you are in that same position in
that it isn't your own mother.   Believe me that would be a slightly
different scenario.  Having a history with someone who took care of you when
you were little and taught you so patiently how to tie your shoes and to
recognize letters etc. etc. whereas a mother in law is someone you met later
in life and ONLY knew as an adult.

I will never say that I never gave her a snippy answer, because of course I
did.   I treated her pretty well all things considered, and I don't think
anyone would absolutely never lose their patience occasionally under that
circumstance unless they were a total saint, and those are sort of "thin on
the ground" no matter where you are.

The pressure of all the other things you have to do, certainly will add to
the pressure, but the focus and drive of doing that can also take your mind
off it more, than if caregiving was the only thing in your life going on, so
that may be actually a saving thing for you.

There is one thing I think you CAN do and that is to really try not to take
any of it personally.  Remember that a person with alzheimers actually is
losing brain volume as they go along while brain cells are dying the brain
is actually losing size!!!!   You are dealing with someone who really and
truly has absolutely NO control over their actions, that is why they do
these things that are so frustrating.   It is hard to rationalize ourselves,
but YOU are the one with the intact brain, so it is easier for you than for
her.

When you can come to a place where you realize there is absolutely no malice
or control left, and that they honestly cannot help themselves, that they
behave a lot in a sort of automatic fashion, you STOP expecting them to
behave rationally and in a "normal" way..... that is when what passes for
patience, kicks in.   I think I was very foolish for expecting to be able to
please her, or to give her an answer that she would accept enough to stop
asking her endless questions, but when I realized that there was no such
thing, it got easier.

This is the hardest part of dealing with caregiving.   Our own expectations
....that there is an answer, or that they are really underneath, the
rational person we knew once.   Once we realize that those expectations are
making it harder for us, it is easier to give them up.

I hate to mention this, but I think I should.   There came a day when I
actually wished she could be back at that time when she COULD ask a
question, because she later lost a lot of abilities, and the incontinence
issues got a lot worse, and she couldn't walk without falling down anymore.
That was when we finally realized she needed full time care round the clock
that was even more than we could give together.   Nursing homes are equipped
to deal with that, and it is what they do.

Look into what is called RESPITE care.   Some local nursing homes may do it.
They take a person in for a week or two while you get your finals over with
and your computers fixed.   Hey, it may be that you need a break really bad.
In the meanwhile, here is a hug ((((((((( Lee )))))))) and a hope that this
stressful time is over with soon.

Forgive yourself again and again...... and just try to begin again.   It is
just the only way.   The pressure is truly awful at times, and you are only
human.

Lee

You are headed for a breakdown if you dont get some help.  Its all too
much.  Get some door locks for your bathroom door, kitchen, etc, that
will help some.  Find out about what services your LO qualifies for
(or can afford, etc) and seriously consider using one or more sources
of help in addition to what you have.  Those sources may not come
knocking at your door unless you prompt them.  My LO has recently
become eligible for benefits under her LTC Insurance.  She probably
would have been eligible a year ago but I didnt file a claim until
recently, partly because there was noone to prompt me to do so.  A
million college students forgo tuition assistance every year because
noone promts them to apply.  Pick up the phone!  Alz patients often
outlive their caregivers because of caregiver stress.  You will be of
no help to the LO if you have a stroke or a serious car wreck as a
result of being an overstressed caregiver.

Speaking from experience in Kinfolkville, Ar-kin-saw.