I was wondering, since I didn't recall reading the original that you were
replying to :-)   But it was a very good answer anyway, and I enjoyed
reading it.    Anything replied to that is truthful and sincere, is
worthwhile in my book.  :-)

Boydette, my siblings and I have the same sort of issues.  My dad was
violent and abusive all our lives.  He was so mean to my mother I get choked
up even discussing it.  She stayed with him all her life and finally died in
the year 2000, leaving him to curse empty space instead.   We just get out
of the way when he gets nasty and either call or show up days or weeks later
on and he has forgotten how vicious he was.

Boydette, I can't imagine what you are going through.  It is easy for people
to tell you how to feel and what to do, but most of us have not been in your
shoes, so we really don't know how we would react.  All I can say is that I
really feel for you and will keep you in my prayers.  Hang in there.
Gwen

I don't know if this will help any.  I know you have a lot of pain from the
past and now have to be around the people that gave you pain on a regular
basis.  You are a COA (Children of Alcoholics).  It's not too late to see if
there are any groups for COA's in your area....if not then go to Al-Anon. I
do some mentoring in the local jail and this comes from one of the papers I
share with them.  This article is long so I hope it won't disturb anyone.

Resentment is defined as feeling bitter, hurt or indignation.  It comes from
a sense of being injured or offended.  If blame allows you to shift the
responsibility from yourself to someone else, then resentment makes sure
that it stays there.  Sometimes for life!  The way you hold a blame against
someone is through a resentment.  Otherwise you might forget it.  You need
resentment to remind you why you blamed in the first place.  Blaming and
resentment are opposite sides of the same coin.

Irene was in prison doing time for criminal conversion.  She had stolen some
money and was charged with check deception.  She was depressed and
constantly complaining about how she resented everyone.  She resented the
prison,  She resented the staff.  She resented the other inmates.  She
resented men.  But most of all she resented her stepfather and stepbrothers.

She was the only girl in the family.  Her stepfather had repeatedly sexually
abused her as a child.  As she grew older, her stepbrothers and their
cousins demanded that she submit to sexual acts with them as well.  She
resented them.  Then she got married.  But the abuse  continued when she
went to visit her parents' home.

When she became pregnant, one of her stepbrothers and her stepfather both
claimed thay they were the baby's father.  She had been hurt by what her
family had done to her life.  Her husband was intimidated by them and left
her.  She resented her family for the break up of her marriage.

She started doing drugs and getting drunk during the day.  Her stepbrother
took the baby away, claiming that she was an unfit mother.  She began to
feel resentment for what he had done.  Her resentment began to consume her.
She didn't want her child.  She resented her husband.  She resented her
mother.  She resented men.  She resented life.  Most of all she resented
herself.

The first time I saw Irene in the hospital, she was reported by the nursing
staff to be suffering from severe seizures.  She also had skull-splitting
headaches.  Her medical history indicated that she had bouts with ulcers,
menstrual irregularities, low back pains and fainting spells.  She seemed to
have a different physical complaint each day.  And in spite of extensive
medical workups and laboratory studies, we could not find anything to
explain her symptoms.

She was obviously in a lot of pain.  But the medical staff didn't feel that
it all was due to physiological disorder.  We suspected that a lot of this
had to do with the pain that she carried around inside of her from her past.
The pain that she really felt physically was a result of the pain she had
experienced psychologically.

She literally carried around so much resentment that she was experiencing
physical pain all the time.  She had initially been unwilling to look at the
situation.  She was unwilling to talk about it with anyone.  She didn't want
to be seen as "crazy."  But gradually she was able to talk to me about what
had happened to her.  The experiences had filled her with pain.  Her
resentment was red hot!  And it was making her sick.

Later, as we worked together, she was able to see the connection between her
mind and emotions on the one hand, and her body on the other.  We talked
about Psychosomatic Medicine.  She thought that it meant that the sickness
was all in her head.  I explained to her that psychosomatic is actually two
words----psycho and somatic.

Psyche is the Greek word for soul or spirit.  Soma is the Latin word for
body.  Together they mean a connection between the soul and the body.  It
means that your mind and body are connected.  If something affects you
mentally or emotionally, then it can result in a physical symptom that is
real.

Irene began to look at the effects that her resentments had on her body.
She recognized that her emotions were connected with her body and that each
time she thought about her family, she got sick with another symptom.  Her
resentments against her stephather and stepbrother were literally making her
sick.  She began to see that if she redirected some of her thoughts away
from the resentment and channeled it elsewhere, then she could feel better.

The more she started to look away from her feelings of resentment, the more
she was free to do other things with her time and with her life.  She
couldn't change the past, but she could have more happiness now if she chose
to take charge of her resentment rather than living with her resentment
TAKING CHARGE of her.

This was a dramatic discovery.  It freed her from hours and hours of pain.
Her daily visits to the infirmary decreased in frequency.  She wanted to
start a group for women who had been similarly abused to talk about
becoming healthy again.  When she gave up her resentments, she also gave up
the pain.

Irene didn't need resentment any more.  She found that she needed happiness,
acceptance and real understanding.  But she couldn't even know this until
she was ready to give up resentment.  It was consuming her life.

When she felt better about herself, she could also help others to feel
better about themselves.  She had given up resentments and was TAKING
CHARGE.

When you give up resentment, you give up pain.