snip...

    Bill, I feel for you.  You certainly seem to be in a position that
makes it difficult to know what to do.  I understand why you are turning to
this newsgroup.  I don't know what to tell you about your mother.  I'm sure
there are others here that are more qualified to  give an opinion.  However,
I want to take yet another opportunity point out the need for all of us to
have a "living  will".  If your mother had one (and for that matter, your
mother's husband) you wouldn't have been put in a position that may become
untenable.  There may come a time when your mother's husband has every legal
right to say where your mother should be, and have the legal right to
control how all of their assets, whether it is in her best interests or not.
At that point you may be powerless to intervene on her behalf
    While trying to sort all of this out please consider how important it
will prove for you, your children and your wife or significant other to have
your own living wills prepared as soon as possible.
Good Luck
Dennis White

Hi Bill,

You're a good son and you are embarking on what
may be a long and difficult journey. Like many of the
regulars here...we are going on six years of taking
care of Rosie. Even though her mind is practically
gone...her general health is still amazingly good.

Sounds like your mom's second husband cannot or
will not take care of her and also you indicate there's
a possibility that he may be abusive to your mom.
Even if it's only verbal...it's still abuse and she shouldn't
have to live with it.

If living with you is a possibility I would strongly consider
that option and if not...maybe you could arrange for her
to move to an assisted living facility. Worrying about
who owns what at this juncture may not be the most
important factor.

As for the AD...explaining to an AD victim that they
have the disease and expecting them to understand
and accept it is rarely possible. In most cases...using
what we call Loving Deception is the best approach.

If he has Parkinson's it probably *is* too much, and he seems to
be wise enough to know it's going to get much worse.  

You, on the other hand, are in denial if you think that you can
take care of her yourself.  If she'a already mistaking the remote
for the telephone, things have already gone far enough that she
probably wouldn't be safe if left alone for very long, and 24x7
care is *not* for sissies (been there, done that).  It means NO
rest and NO time to yourself, which is something your stepfather
seems to already understand.

Even if she doesn't want to go to an assisted living situation
without him, it may be the best choice for right now.  If he has
Parkinson's he may join her in an assisted living situation
sooner than he thinks.

I'm a big believer in practical thinking. So, ban wishful and
resentful thinking, and look at this "from the what you see is what
you get" perspective.

The guy is 83, he has Parkinson's, he's cranky and bad tempered, and
he doesn't WANT to look after your mother 24/7. You've been helping
for the last few months, and he still feels burdened and overwhelmed
and has no interest in assuming that role. So, you can do the slow
burn all you want, but he is what he is, and no amount of magic
thinking is going to change that. I can understand where his children
are coming from as well. Being a caregiver for someone who is going to
steadily decline from a dementing illness like AD is a daunting and
draining prospect for anyone, let alone someone who is quite elderly
and has a progressive illness themselves. If he could take it on with
a willing heart and supports, god love 'im for hanging in, but if he
can't - better for him to be upfront and honest about it - which he
has.

Your mother has recovered a little ground post surgery, but she's
never going to be well again, and she IS going to get worse and worse.
That is the one thing you can count on with Alzheimers. It doesn't
"come to pass", it comes to get worse.

So, you can't stay there looking after her full time. Her husband
can't and won't look after her full time. The conclusion has to be -
her current situation is not sustainable, even now, let alone in a few
months from now as she starts to slide further down the cognitive hill
from the AD.

It sounds to me that she has not yet been fully assessed and
diagnosed. That should be your first step, so you really know what is
going on, and what she is capable of. The results are generally
sobering, and useful to get your brain around exactly what you are
really looking at, rather than what you wish you were looking at, and
what the distraction of the intact portions of your mother's
personality may be keeping you from seeing.

My suggestion is to have a family conference, including the children
of her husband, and start talking about finances and potentially
splitting assets. Your mother needs to be in an assisted living
facility - she needs looking after 24/7, which is not something I
think you can realistically provide if you have a job, other
relationships, other interests, commitments or activities you need
time for. If she DOES come live with you now, you have to be prepared
to invest in daycare, hired help, so she is looked after around the
clock.

So, either with you or in a facility, money is required, and its time
to talk about how it can be paid for. Her husband may have to move so
the house can be sold, and her half put to her care etc. so that has
to be talked through with her step children, and you are likely to
want to discuss all this with a lawyer as well.

Just from your description, your mother is not in early AD. It is
entirely likely that if she were assessed by a professional for
cognitive impairment, she is worse than you recognize. Given that,
there is limited point in "confronting" her with her problems. One of
the hallmarks of progressive brain damage is a loss of insight into
your own problems. People with AD rarely can see what is glaringly
obvious to others. All you will do by "confronting" her is to upset
her. She may never believe she is in need of support and supervision.
She may never believe she needs to move.

YOu will have to take action anyway. You should also get ready for the
notion that in short order, she will not be capable of being grateful
or recognizing efforts or sacrifices on her behalf at all. It goes
with the caregiver territory. If you are waiting for affirmation for
what you are giving up for her, thats an idea to put behind you.
Having helped look after my MIL, we certainly didn't get ya yas from
her grateful recognition of us trying to do the right thing to keep
her safe, dignified and comfortable - if anything, the opposite, since
she was actively resentful of the things we had to arrange for her
safety, angry with us for what she saw as interference, upset and
insulted at the inference she needed help at all, etc. etc. It really
was like looking after a child. As a parent, you have to do many
things for your child's benefit and safety that your child neither
likes nor sees the point of due to their limited understanding of
their own limitations. The kid may be screaming "I hate you" at the
top of his or her lungs, and you have to put your head down and keep
going anyway.

I'm not sure if this has helped or not - AD is a very cruel reality to
come to terms with.

Mary G.