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You need to lie, or as its called here use 'loving deception'. Sorry to be
abrupt, but fact is, your father is approaching the reasoning skills of a 2
year old, and you wouldnt discuss with a 2 year old what they should do for
medical treatment, you would work out what was best for them and do it. As
you point out;
"He's just not capable of processing the information in a manner that really
allows him to deal rationally with the situation";  so therefore you cant
rationally talk with him about it, you need a subterfuge to get him in. I
believe the experience here of almost everyone is that however much of an
issue there was getting their LO in a home, once they are in they settle
down pretty well. Even people who were initially very hostile to going into
a home.

All that is quite likely. Getting your father in under some pretence is
probably best from what you say, the pretence depends just how bad he is. It
might be a home for the night whilst his house is redecorated, a bed for the
night whilst the doctors check him out, or some other explanation that he
will accept. You are going to have to "trick him, baby-talk him, bullshit
him or candy-coat" the situation.

My father was bad enough that whatever explanation you came up with, if he
didnt accept it you could wait a minute (I mean that literally) and try
another one, maybe that would work for you? My father still caused a major
fuss once in but didnt have the ability to reason how to get out. After a
couple of weeks he settled down and when he was switched from special
hospital to  care home didnt even notice he had been moved.

Sounds and maybe is harsh but there was no other alternative, he is much
better cared for now that when he was at home because the family couldnt
provide 24x7 care.

the most common and least traumatic method seems to be moving the
loved one's favorite pictures, chair, books, and other things
that make the place "home" to the new place while you take the
patient for a drive that ends, of course, at the new place.  you
take him to his room and tell him he'll be staying there for a
while "until he gets better".

yeah, he'll be upset, resist, and want to go "home". once you've
moved him, get him distracted and then leave and give him several
days *without a visit* to get acclimated.  it may sound cruel,
but it's crueler to keep visiting and reminding him of his former
life, until he gets used to his new environment.  

he can't reason.  his reasoner is broken.  his brain is damaged.
it does no good to talk about it in advance or attempt to have
his help in deciding things, and it will only upset him.  this is
where you learn to use what we call "loving deception", because
it reduces the trauma involved.

many folks quickly get used to the new place, like not having to
deal with things like preparing meals or housekeeping, or all the
steps required before bathing.  after several weeks they become
accustomed to the new routines and forget that they were living
somewhere else.

Hello Jef,

Welcome to the club nobody wants to join.   Most of us here are caring for a
relative with some form of dementia, either at home or in a facility of some
kind.   It sounds like you are doing a good job and trying your best to help
your dad.

Above you say... "I've tried to be straightforward with Pop all through
this, and haven't wanted to trick him, baby-talk him, bullshit him or
candy-coat anything."    We tried that too, and found that it doesn't work
very well, just as you apparently have.

In the first place, their reasoning is affected with this disease, because
it is an actual organic brain disease that results in real measurable
physical changes in the brain itself.   So if you try to treat your dad like
he is perfectly normal and able to understand, remember, reason, and think
like a normal person, all you will do is frustrate him and yourself too.

Normal rules don't apply anymore.   YOU have to do the thinking for him, and
get used to the idea that he isn't going to be able to absorb things like a
normal person anymore.

You may be able to work with him better and make his life better by the very
deceptions you are trying to avoid.   Now before you get upset and stop
reading, let me say I took care of my mother in law for over three years
here at home, and finally we placed her in a nursing home due to falling
issues.   She has NEVER been able to understand her condition, why she is
where she is, for the entire time.   We have explained it to her patiently
and kindly, over and over and over hundreds of times.   She just can't
retain the memory.

She thinks (from that day to this) that she could just "go home" and is
unaware that she would get exactly into the same condition she was nearly 4
years ago when we literally rescued her,.... half starved, filthy, confused,
having paid bills twice, been victimized by home improvement scammers, and
having forgotten how to prepare food for herself anymore, how to bathe
herself, how to care for herself....even to dress herself at this point.
Only now it is a lot worse than it was at that time, because now she is
incontinent and can't walk 10 feet without falling on the floor.

All of us here wanted to be honest and not bullshit our loved ones.   But
you will soon discover that there really is no other way.   We call it
"loving deception" and it is truly something that comes from love.   It is
just as respectful to that person in their present state of mind, as total
and complete honesty was, when they had an intact mind.    You need to
understand that you are playing a different ball game now.   The rules have
changed.   You need to make the decisions, take care of your dad and GET him
to a place where they will take good care of him as professionals.   The
means of doing this doesn't matter, because he isn't going to suddenly "get
it" and go along.   That time is past.

Whatever you tell him, please feel no guilt.   The goal is to keep him happy
and content, even if it is only just for a minute.   Because the only thing
your dad has right now is this very minute.   Whether you tell him the cold
hard truth, or some fluffy lie, he won't remember either one.   What will
persist is if you upset him, or put his mind to rest somehow.

You absolutely CANNOT bring your dad into your reality, you can only work
within his own reality.   That sometimes means feeling like a total jerk for
telling him some story that will set his mind at ease.   It is a transition
in OUR way of thinking that is done for their own good and peace of mind.
You can handle doing that, more easily with an intact brain, than he can
handle the upsetting truth with an impaired brain.

Oh, and about the facility that was caught with the employees asleep.... we
had that happen in one place around here too, and guess what?  There was a
shakeup, some firings, new direction, new people, and now it is the very
best facility in our area.   I know, because that is where my mother in law
is.   Believe me, I have come there all hours, and she is well cared for.

I had my misgivings and doubts in the beginning from the gossip I had heard
beforehand, but the new staff is wonderful and caring, and the new
management is top notch.   It is primarily a rehabilitation hospital with an
alzheimers wing, so the emphasis is a lot on therapy to help my mother in
law retain as much of her coordination as possible.

Best of luck in this new situation.  There are books you can read... for
instance "The 36 hour day" and there are others.   There is a website
associated with this newsgroup.   Here is the link.
http://www.muggsmulcher.com/kstuff/a.s.a/intro.htm   You may find it
helpful.

You will notice that others who have gone down this road before you have
discovered that "loving deception" is ultimately far kinder to your loved
one, and will go a lot further with them than attempts at brutal honesty,
when they just don't understand reality anymore.

You sound like a caring son, and I wish you the best of luck in your
endeavors.  Don't hesitate to come here and ask at any time.

Jef, I endorse what the others have said about the breaking reasoner,
fitting your explanation to something that makes sense to them, etc.
Having been through it, I can tell you AD breaks all your instincts
about how to do it right. Fostering independence and autonomy works in
the outside world with an intact brain.  No one has prepared us for the
disintegrating brain.
2 points- 1 You're switching roles here and have to be the parent of the
parent.  It's very hard and very emotional.  I think you're recognizing
that nicely.  But number 2 is deep down you're seeking his approval or
at least acknowledgement that you are doing the right thing.  If you can
realize that it is not going to happen...you can save yourself a lot of
grief.  Hopefully you have some family support for this decision and
transition.  But if you don't, we're here.  You're doing it
right....even if you're not sure.

Wishing you the best.  You'll get through it and learn for others as
well.  Keep us posted.
Beth

Jef, I endorse what the others have said about the breaking reasoner,
fitting your explanation to something that makes sense to them, etc.
Having been through it, I can tell you AD breaks all your instincts
about how to do it right. Fostering independence and autonomy works in
the outside world with an intact brain.  No one has prepared us for the
disintegrating brain.
2 points- 1 You're switching roles here and have to be the parent of the
parent.  It's very hard and very emotional.  I think you're recognizing
that nicely.  But number 2 is deep down you're seeking his approval or
at least acknowledgement that you are doing the right thing.  If you can
realize that it is not going to happen...you can save yourself a lot of
grief.  Hopefully you have some family support for this decision and
transition.  But if you don't, we're here.  You're doing it
right....even if you're not sure.

Wishing you the best.  You'll get through it and learn for others as
well.  Keep us posted.
Beth