Becky,

I hope you listen to me, because my mother in law is also in a nursing home,
and I know what you are going through, and can relate.   I am going to just
give it to you straight .....and hope you do this, because I am sure that
you KNOW in your heart that I am giving you good advice.

You will be of ABSOLUTELY no help to your mother at all if you have a stroke
and end up lying in a hospital bed.

Your mother is well cared for.   She is safe.   She certainly will not
suffer if she doesn't see you for a couple of days while you lay low and try
to get your health under control.   The crap you are being handed about it
being detrimental to her health if she doesn't see you is NOT TRUE.

There are times when you MUST take care of your own health first.   This is
one of those times.

If you have a heart attack or stroke, your mother may not see you for a VERY
long time, while you recuperate, that is IF you are even able to recuperate.
You COULD die and she might never get to see you again.

On the other hand, if you take a couple of days to rest and recuperate and
care for your own health, you will most likely get well enough to see her
again and she will see you again and things will be under control and you
will feel better too.

GUILT is a very unfair and unworthy emotion to foster and generate in
yourself.   Everyone has to take care of their health and try and live the
best they can.    Sometimes you just HAVE to put all other concerns to the
side and do what has to be done for your self.

This is one of those times.

If you needed someone to tell you, then here it is.....I have told you.

Take the phone off the hook.  Screen your calls.   Call and TELL the nursing
home you are very ill and need to get NO calls excepting in case of LIFE AND
DEATH EMERGENCY for the next few days......Then stick to it.   Do not accept
calls, just let your machine or voice mail get the messages and return ONLY
those you feel able to, and only WHEN you feel able to.

If you find yourself wondering or worrying about anything, put it OUT of
your head completely and remind yourself that you have granted yourself so
many days to get better.

Grant yourself the space to calm down and regain your equilibrium.

You need to take care of yourself now.  Continuing to get sicker will not be
of help to your or your mother.  Sorry I don't have any other suggestions,
but the time off for rest seems to be very necessary at this time.

Camille

Evelyn has given you great advice.

If you have a stroke and survive it, you could be in the hospital or in
rehab for months, unable to visit your mom. How does that compare with a few
days?

Also - please take the suggestion of meditation tapes seriously. I started
doing relaxation exercises for an acting class. But they were most helpful
when I was in labor and when I had a broken arm. My blood pressure went up
from the stress (just to 145 over 95). But it would lower if I did my
breathing and visualization. Of course it came back up the minute I stopped,
but at least they could see it was stress induced and not something
dangerous.

You need to be healthy (or at least healthier) to help to your mom. Being a
martyr isn't helpful. It's something that I am practicing as a mom.
Sometimes, all you can do is make sure your charge (parent or child) is safe
while you take care of yourself.

Hi Becky,
I agree with everyone. You need to take the time for yourself
before who knows what happens. Does your Mom have a church that
she belonged to? Might some of those folks spell you a bit and go
visit her daily for a week or so? I know it's not you but it
might be distracting enough. Or the folks at the NH NEED to do
their jobs, they can't rely on you to keep your Mom calm. What
would they do if you were in the hospital, still insist your
come? They should know her well enough by now to be able to
handle her for a few days. Or it might be time to look into
something for your Mom to keep her from being so agitated. This
is a long haul and the NH can't depend on you to keep her calm
for the years this will be happening. Tell them another
solution MUST be found. I'm at 3 years visiting my Mom at least
twice a week and it's not something I feel I need to do if I'm
sick or my schedule doesn't work out. Talk to the NH.

The staff let you see your mother even though the facility was under
quarantine for flu because they felt she needed to see you?  Excuse me?

I'm sorry, but this is bullshit.  I'm in exactly the same situation and from
time
to time various of the staff at the places Mom has been have said the same
to
me and worse.  I've been guilt-tripped by various staff who just don't get
the concept.  One clueless lady suggested that when Mom was upset
"the family could come and sit with her", or that maybe she wouldn't
yell if I told her not to.  Most of the other staff members have it together
enough to know not to say crap like this.  Maybe a conversation with
the big boss at the NH home would make it a little clearer if you say
you are sorry, but you can't visit more than a couple times a week.
It might turn out, as it did with me at one place, that the big boss and
almost all of the rest of the staff are not in on any guilt-trip some staff
members may be running.  It turned out quite nicely for me, and no one
got into any trouble.

joan

You didn't say whether your medic has evaluated you for clinical
depression.  If not, please ask about it.  Inability to make a decision
- especially an important decision like the one you're facing - is one
of the "classic" symptoms of the state.  Clinical depression can be
helped.

Blessed be,
Baird
who is currently being helped....