http://www.thespoof.com/news/spoof.cfm?headline=s5i11224

Psychiatrist Ousted for Curing Patients
Birmingham Psychiatrist Dr. Hiebold Moranis was recently stripped of his
credentials and permanently banned from Psychiatric practice because of his
record of curing patients rather than "treating" their symptoms. His actions
were deemed contrary to modern psychiatric practice by the licensing board
and by the Psychiatric Profit Society.

Dr. Moranis raised the ire of his colleagues and the licensing board because
he employed a non-approved method of diagnosis and treatment, involving
actual medical testing for underlying conditions, medical treatment as
needed, nutrition, allergy treatments, de-tox programs and sometimes a stern
talking to. So far, all of Dr. Moranis' patients were "cured" in a time
period from 1 week to 3 months. By survey, 97.3% of Dr. Moranis' patients
rated his services as "excellent", compared with the 2.1% average rating of
psychiatrists in the area. This astonishing patient response was what drew
attention to Dr. Moranis in the first place. The Birmingham Civic Bugler
newspaper called Dr. Moranis the "Psych Patient Panacea". Dr. Moranis
bristled at the title, stating "I don't think of my clients as patients, I
think of them as friends and I treat them like people. Sometimes people have
a hard time in life and they need a little help or even advice. They do not
need a psychiatrist talking down to them and telling them they have some
permanent illness that only exists to make the psychiatrists rich. They
certainly don't need a lifetime of false labels, drugs, shocks to the brain,
lobotomies, etc."

The licensing bureau's statement says it all. "We can't have just anyone
going around and 'curing' patients, now can we?" stated the Dr. Steven
Dubiouski of the licensing bureau, "I mean really, how do we know that his
patients were cured? Just because they feel better, go back to work and have
successful lives is no reason to not give them a lifetime of psychiatric
treatment. With standard psychiatric treatment, cure is impossible but you
can be assured that they will be in treatment for the rest of their lives,
which, of course, is better for everyone. When someone is cured and
released, you just never know what might happen. They are free to do
anything they want. They might even run for parliament, or might someday
have something else go wrong. Under psychiatric care, we avoid all this
mystery, because the person will always be a mental patient, simple,
stress-free, and will be supporting the industry that got him where he is,
psychiatry and drug companies. Surely anyone with half a brain fried by ECT
or drugs can see that."

A spokesperson for the Psychiatric Profit Society had this to say,
"Psychiatrists and drug companies have rather expensive offices, homes and
golf course memberships to maintain. We depend upon each patient to bring in
tens of thousands of pounds during their lifetime. Dr. Moranis seems to care
more about his patients than his fellow psychiatrists."

After receiving word that he could no longer practice psychiatry, Dr.
Moranis shrugged his shoulders and said "modern psychiatrists are mostly
just pill pushers these days anyways; we should all ask ourselves whether
modern psychiatric treatment is designed to help the patient, or to help the
pharmaceutical companies." He voluntarily resigned his membership in the
Psychiatric Profit Society, citing that he disagreed with victimizing
innocent people for profit, no matter how many BMWs you can buy with the
ill-gained money.

In an interview for the Daily Newslammer, Dr. Moranis opened up and told the
story of why his work diverges so radically from 'standard' psychiatry. "I
spent 17 years practicing psychiatry. I would listen to people for a few
minutes, make a decision on which label to 'diagnose' them, then scribble
out a prescription for whichever drug the pharmaceutical company sales
representative wanted to push that particular month," said Dr. Moranis.
"Then one day, I received three new patients funneled through the TeenScreen
program, a sort of 'marketing program' where they screen children for mental
illness, convince the child and the parents that they have a brain disease,
then send them off for treatment. All three children came in with their
parents and had a slip of paper from the TeenScreeners. One child's slip
stated that he was sent for a diagnosis of Clinical Depression, another one
was for Anxiety Disorder. The third was some gibberish about suspected
paranoid delusional tendencies with schizophrenia and ADHD with possible
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. All the parents seemed a little bewildered by
the whole experience. None of them had even given permission for the
TeenScreen. In this school district they used what was called passive
consent, where if a parent didn't stand up on the nearest car bonnet and
scream NO, their child was screened."

"The parents wanted help for their children, if they needed it, but none of
them really wanted my standard 5-minute diagnosis/prescription. I decided to
play along and really check out every possible cause for their children's
difficulties, and then I could write my prescriptions and feel good about
it. However, the oddest thing happened; I completely cured all three
children in a matter of a few weeks. Little Johnny had food allergies, corn
and eggs, that caused his anxiety. Once we modified his diet, no more
anxiety. The next child, Jason, was simply saddened over his grandfather's
recent passing. I talked with him a bit, sent him off to his local minister
for a little succor and a talk about life, death, etc. and he was fine. The
third child, Martin, was a little more serious. He actually had an
undetected case of cancer of the lymph nodes which was causing his erratic
behavior and disturbing feelings. I arranged for him to get cancer treatment
from a local university and his mental symptoms went away within two weeks
of starting treatments for his illness. Their astounding recoveries from
permanent, incurable psychiatric disorders perplexed me. So I tried it on
another patient. I found that the less I used psychiatric methods, the
better my patients became."

"I reported the success with Johnny, Jason and Martin to the TeenScreening
staff and they promptly dropped me off the referral list. Evidently they don't
care much about whether parents and children are happy with the treatment,
they only want the children to get psychiatric treatment."

Dr. Moranis is continuing his work into finding and addressing the true
causes of mental illness symptoms. He is hoping to find a cure for
psychiatrism, the desire to become a psychiatrist, falsely label others as
mentally ill, and then to treat them with harmful methods for a profit.