http://www.palmbeachpost.com/opinion/content/local_news/epaper/2006/04/12/s1b_bi
no_0412.html

Commentary: DCF needs to buff up on Stern gig
By Frank Cerabino   Palm Beach Post Columnist  Wednesday, April 12,
2006

From: Department of Children and Families District Office

To: Staffers
Subject: Guidelines for appearances on Howard Stern Show

As many of you know, we have decided to terminate child abuse
investigator Alison Cushman for removing her clothing during a recent
appearance on Howard Stern's satellite radio show.

While we understand it was the best way for Cushman to prove to the
talk-show host how much weight she had lost from her previous naked
appearance on his show, it was a regrettable lack of judgment to strip
on the radio show.

She already had been warned not to strip again on the radio show -
and she did it anyway.

And yes, we took into account that she was on vacation. And that she
was on a subscription-only radio show with a police escort - her
husband, a Boynton Beach police officer.

But we were faced with this one overriding fact: She got naked on the
radio.

And we as an organization can't stand for that.

Millions of people pay money to tune into the Stern show, hoping to
listen to women take off their clothes. We are not sure why.

But we find this disturbing. Perhaps even borderline abusive.

So when this abuse happens to one of our abuse investigators, we have
to take a stand against this aural nudity, before it leads to...
posting naked photos of our employees online.

Which has happened in this case.

By the way, we'd like to congratulate Alison on her diet and wish her
well. The "before and after" photos of Alison on the Stern show Web
site demonstrate that our soon-to-be-terminated employee did do a
commendable job of self improvement! Well done, Ali.

However, we cannot stand idly by to see the words "DCF" and "lost" in
the same sentence - even if it's "pounds" and not "kids" this time.

So Alison will be leaving us.

There will not be a goodbye cake, which under the circumstances is
probably best for everybody involved.

And from this day forward, we would request that all employees
understand the ground rules for any future appearances you may make on
the Howard Stern Show.

While we cannot prevent you from appearing on the show, we would ask
that, if you do find yourself on the Stern show, you use the
opportunity to promote DCF in a wholesome way.

To that end, here are 8 Dos and Don'ts for DCF Workers on the Howard
Stern Show:

1. Do explain how you are touched by working with children. Don't let
yourself be touched by Baba Booey.

2. If asked for numbers, do talk about the clients served. Don't talk
about your measurements.

3. When discussing your fantasy, do talk about eliminating child abuse.
Don't talk about the stripper in the green room.

4. Do talk about bending over backwards to follow the law. Don't bend
over in any direction to follow Stuttering John's suggestions.

5. Do chew the fat with Stern. Don't show the fat to Stern.

6. Do turn around public opinion by showing a good side of DCF. Don't
turn around to show a better side of yourself.

7. Do wear something professional. But don't make it look like the
oldest profession.

8. Do set ground rules for your appearance. Don't allow those rules to
involve sitting on anything - living or inanimate - that moves.